Conservative Tears Cash Candle

Smells like black cherry and bitter denial, with notes of nostalgia for a time that never existed.

This isn’t just a candle. It’s a vibe. It’s for the days when the headlines make you scream into the void, but you still want your house to smell like justice and fruit. Light it to cleanse your space of performative values, bootlicker energy, and unsolicited opinions about other people’s bodies.

Crafted with 100% soy wax and 0% tolerance for oppression. Proudly made in Canada, where we side-eye all politicians equally, but some just make better punchlines.

Every single candle is a winner, baby. Hidden inside this sarcastic soy masterpiece is a real Canadian bill, $5, $10, $20, $50, or $100.

When you see the aluminum foil start to emerge from the wax:
• Blow the candle out immediately.
• Let it cool slightly.
• Use tweezers (NOT your fingers, you brave little anarchist) to remove the foil and reveal your prize.
• Do NOT let the foil sit in the flame or hot wax too long, this is not the revolution we’re looking for.

🕯️ Burn Instructions (because chaos needs structure):
• Burn for a minimum of 3 hours to get a full, even melt pool.
• Do not burn longer than 4 hours at a time.
• Keep on a flat, fire-safe surface, away from drafts, curtains, and unsolicited opinions.
• Never leave unattended, unless you’re into spontaneous house fires.
• Always trim your wick between burns. Don’t make me lecture you.

Warning: May cause spontaneous donations to grassroots movements and an uncontrollable urge to fact-check boomers.